Such an Old Lady

I’m sick of my sorority sisters always calling me “such an old lady.” I mean, I may not be the wildest girl in the house, but so what?

So what if I didn’t attend the Oktobersex social? Can’t a girl spend a quiet night in? Maybe I just wanted to make hot chocolate in an oversize mug, snuggle up under a cozy blanket, remove my teeth, and have some me time. But apparently if you like hot chocolate, surprise! You’re an “old lady.”

I’m “such an old lady”? Well would an old lady plan Sister Dinner at Limón, the hottest restaurant in town? Sorry the reservations were “crazy early,” Erin, but I don’t eat big meals late at night. Not to mention I can’t legally drive after dark because of my cataracts, duh.

My sisters can seriously be so rude. For example, at Chapter meeting, after I announced I’d be attending several funerals on Thursday and had to miss Margarita Madness, Blair whispered “such an old lady” under her breath. I couldn’t hear her, of course. But my home health aide definitely did.

And I’m “such an old lady” for not doing a keg stand at Rhino’s rager? That’s funny, because I’m pretty sure old ladies hardly even go to ragers. Obviously I didn’t do a keg stand not because I’m “such an old lady” but because beer has a ton of calories, and being held upside down is total murder on my artificial hip.

And yeah, I said it: I’m over Club Posh. That makes me “such an old lady”? Umm, we go to Posh every Monday and it’s boring. Plus the coat girls are mean about checking my mobility scooter, and I’ve had several strokes in the Glow Zone.

Everyone knows I left Biker Bash before it ended. But I didn’t leave because I’m “such an old lady,” as the gossips will tell you, but because I soiled myself and had to change diapers. Also, why is it a major deal that I kissed Gena’s boyfriend that night? Mistakes happen. I drank a lot, and differentiating faces is tough with those cataracts.

And speaking of kissing, people are saying I’m “such an old lady” because I didn’t sleep with Jordan after Femme Fatale. But did people ever consider that maybe I didn’t sleep with Jordan not because I’m “such an old lady” but because I became disoriented, left his room, and wandered around the city all day muttering to myself? It’s like, don’t be ignorant. Dementia is for real.

It makes me so mad. But thankfully, some of my sorority sisters are actually pretty awesome. Madison and I play a lot of bridge, and Keira stops by at least once a week to read to me. She even gets volunteer credit for it. I really love those girls, even though sometimes I think they’re my cats.

So while it may bother me that a few people in my sorority say I’m “such an old lady,” it’s their problem, not mine. My plan is to just stay positive and be the better person, and to cut most of them out of my will.