Pre-Smartphone Conversations

Two women in a restroom

Woman 1:  Whoa. Check us out in the mirror!

Woman 2:  We are hot!

Woman 1:  Seriously. The light in here makes our body parts look amazing.

Woman 2:  The stuff we want to be big is big and the stuff we want to be small is small. Likewise with round stuff and flat stuff.

Woman 1:  And our clothes! Have we ever looked this good, like, ever?

Woman 2:  Never! Too bad nobody will believe us.

Woman 1:  Let’s just make some pouty faces in the mirror and go.

A boy and a girl on a train

Boy:  What do you think Justin Timberlake’s doing right now?

Girl:  What?

Boy:  I mean, right now. Right this second. What do you think Justin Timberlake is doing? What’s he up to—right now?

Girl:  I dunno.

Boy:  It’s 12:30, so he’s probably eating lunch or something. But he might not even be in the same time zone. He might be in Seoul.

Girl:  Maybe.

Boy:  But I bet he’s probably just eating lunch and chilling by the pool with some bikini models or something while he eats.

Girl:  Whatever.

Two men at the gym

Man 1:  Leg day?

Man 2:  Better believe it. Love leg day.

Man 1:  Any day at the gym is a good day! I’m preaching to the choir, though—we’re both here all the time.

Man 2:  You’re the only one who knows how often I work out, actually.

Man 1:  Wouldn’t it be nice if all our friends knew just how many hours we both spend at the gym, maintaining our health, physiques, and general senses of well-being?

Man 2:  And if they knew exactly what time we got to the gym in the morning, so they’d come to respect us for our disciplined lifestyles, too?

Man 1:  I wish. Need a spot?

A man and a woman at a restaurant

Woman:  Wow! Look at these appetizers! They’re beautiful!

Man:  I have never seen appetizers more magnificent in my life! 

Woman:  And my god the colors! They almost glisten!

Man:  You know what: these appetizers are downright works of art. They should be in a museum. I mean that. I feel very strongly that the people we know should see these appetizers and witness their vibrancy, their glory.

Woman:  I feel that way, too! And similarly strongly. 

Man:  Let’s eat them, I guess.

Two men at an ATM

Man 1:  How much are you taking out?

Man 2:  Two hundred.

Man 1:  Two Gs. Baller status.

Man 2:  A G is a thousand, not a hundred. 

Man 1:  What? No.

Man 2:  It’s a thousand. It’s G like a grand. Like a thousand. 

Man 1:  No, it’s G like G, the Italian numeral for 100.

Man 2:  Dude, that’s not even a thing.

Man 1:  Yeah, well, agree to disagree. Asshole.

A man and a woman on a date

Man:  I went on another run this morning. 

Woman:  That’s great! Where’d you run? 

Man:  I have no idea.

Woman:  You don’t know where you ran?

Man:  Some streets. There were a bunch of turns. I saw a park with a lot of fountains. And this weird flagpole.

Woman:  How far did you go?

Man:  Miles likely.

Woman:  Right. So should we get the check?

A husband and wife on the sidewalk

Wife:  I wonder if there are any good bars in this neighborhood.

Husband:  Not sure. Why don’t we ask that guy?

Wife:  Eh, he looks like he doesn’t know the area, either. What about her, though, across the street? Let’s ask her.

Husband:  Her? No way. Look at her. She’ll give us terrible advice.

Wife:  Okay, let’s go home.

Husband:  Okay.

Two women on a bus

Woman 1:  Is that a new book you’re reading?

Woman 2:  Yes.