Two women in a restroom
Woman 1: Whoa. Check us out in the mirror!
Woman 2: We are hot!
Woman 1: Seriously. The light in here makes our body parts look amazing.
Woman 2: The stuff we want to be big is big and the stuff we want to be small is small. Likewise with round stuff and flat stuff.
Woman 1: And our clothes! Have we ever looked this good, like, ever?
Woman 2: Never! Too bad nobody will believe us.
Woman 1: Let’s just make some pouty faces in the mirror and go.
A boy and a girl on a train
Boy: What do you think Justin Timberlake’s doing right now?
Boy: I mean, right now. Right this second. What do you think Justin Timberlake is doing? What’s he up to—right now?
Girl: I dunno.
Boy: It’s 12:30, so he’s probably eating lunch or something. But he might not even be in the same time zone. He might be in Seoul.
Boy: But I bet he’s probably just eating lunch and chilling by the pool with some bikini models or something while he eats.
Two men at the gym
Man 1: Leg day?
Man 2: Better believe it. Love leg day.
Man 1: Any day at the gym is a good day! I’m preaching to the choir, though—we’re both here all the time.
Man 2: You’re the only one who knows how often I work out, actually.
Man 1: Wouldn’t it be nice if all our friends knew just how many hours we both spend at the gym, maintaining our health, physiques, and general senses of well-being?
Man 2: And if they knew exactly what time we got to the gym in the morning, so they’d come to respect us for our disciplined lifestyles, too?
Man 1: I wish. Need a spot?
A man and a woman at a restaurant
Woman: Wow! Look at these appetizers! They’re beautiful!
Man: I have never seen appetizers more magnificent in my life!
Woman: And my god the colors! They almost glisten!
Man: You know what: these appetizers are downright works of art. They should be in a museum. I mean that. I feel very strongly that the people we know should see these appetizers and witness their vibrancy, their glory.
Woman: I feel that way, too! And similarly strongly.
Man: Let’s eat them, I guess.
Two men at an ATM
Man 1: How much are you taking out?
Man 2: Two hundred.
Man 1: Two Gs. Baller status.
Man 2: A G is a thousand, not a hundred.
Man 1: What? No.
Man 2: It’s a thousand. It’s G like a grand. Like a thousand.
Man 1: No, it’s G like G, the Italian numeral for 100.
Man 2: Dude, that’s not even a thing.
Man 1: Yeah, well, agree to disagree. Asshole.
A man and a woman on a date
Man: I went on another run this morning.
Woman: That’s great! Where’d you run?
Man: I have no idea.
Woman: You don’t know where you ran?
Man: Some streets. There were a bunch of turns. I saw a park with a lot of fountains. And this weird flagpole.
Woman: How far did you go?
Man: Miles likely.
Woman: Right. So should we get the check?
A husband and wife on the sidewalk
Wife: I wonder if there are any good bars in this neighborhood.
Husband: Not sure. Why don’t we ask that guy?
Wife: Eh, he looks like he doesn’t know the area, either. What about her, though, across the street? Let’s ask her.
Husband: Her? No way. Look at her. She’ll give us terrible advice.
Wife: Okay, let’s go home.
Two women on a bus
Woman 1: Is that a new book you’re reading?
Woman 2: Yes.