Historical Amazon.com Reviews

Men’s Luxury Loincloth 
★★★★★ smooth all over!!!!
By Lurg on 40,000 B.C.

one of my woman possessions got this loincloth for me for fire celebration and let’s just say she’s been spending more nights in cave ever since if you know what I mean ;-) these loincloths are literally amazing and when I’m out hunting creature or fleeing creature or just climbing tree for the hell of it they keep me covered but also aren’t “restrictive,” which is a word i just invented that means too tight.

Authentic Wheel (wood)
★ very bad wheel
By Babum on 3550 B.C.

I bought this as a gift after reading about wheels in an interesting article by Zamug The Maker in Mesopotamian Monthly. I guess I should’ve paid more attention when ordering though because this wheel is made by some crap company in Crete which obviously doesn’t actually know what a wheel is, because when I opened the box out falls a total square. DO NOT order this “wheel” i.e. square—it does NOTHING I read a wheel is supposed to do especially roll.

Aldwyn’s Fyne Mead
★★ honey much?
By Wyf of Bathmat on 937

I heard about this craft mead from a troubadour I trust but have to say I was disappointed. Every swig of Aldwyn’s was basically like gulping straight honey. I know mead is made from honey but still. On the plus side Aldwyn’s is brewed in Wessex so I guess it’s local.

Water-resistant Trebuchet
★★★★ Did a Good Job
By Musa Abd al-Azīz ibn Ali Yūsuf al-Atāhiya on 1188

I will admit I was wary of this item at first (a mechanical sling so what?), but it did a pretty impressive job knocking down the city walls at Jerusalem and elsewhere. You should know this thing is really big, so if you’re living in a tent or whatever you might not have enough room. Only real complaint is that it doesn’t come with any projectiles, which I did not realize and which definitely delayed our siege.

Black Cauldron
★ “Hellfire safe” … Not!!!
By T.W. on 1252

Where to begin. First off, I LOVED my old cauldron but it was starting to crack and potion residue was hardening in the cracks and blending with other potions I’d boil and before I knew it some old baboon’s blood was mixing with newt semen or something and none of my demon broths were working! My sisters were like Tiffany, you have GOT to get another cauldron! So I did. BIG MISTAKE. This cauldron is specifically marketed as hellfire safe but the first time I tried to cook a witches brew in the Lake of Flaming Souls the whole pot totally disintegrated. A HEX ON THIS CAULDRON!!!

Ye Olde Mappe
★★★ Just Okay
By Jan de Hooch on 1429

I purchased this item because my buddy Willem and I were planning a sea trip and figured a mappe would come in handy. Pros: good quality parchment, nice colors, and detailed drawings/locations of sea monsters. Cons: Mostly wrong. We wanted to voyage to Ibiza to go clubbing but ended up in Svalbard, where there aren’t really any clubs to speak of no offense.

G Brand Printing Press (medium)
★★★★★ Excellent press
By Cheng H. on 1442

I run a Chinese restaurant and we go through a ton of menus, which we used to get from the monastery. Don’t get me wrong—the monks there are really nice people, but they’re just very slow at transcribing Chinese menus, not to mention they’re constantly embellishing them with indigo and gold leaf and adding all these pictures of Jesus to the specials. So when we heard about the printing press we bought one right away and it’s been great. Now we have more menus than we know what to do with! Highly recommend.

Child’s Craniometer
★★★★ surprisingly good quality
By Callum W. on 1826

My son has been asking for a craniometer for ages so he can measure his friends’ skulls and determine their psychological attributes. Initially I resisted—in my day if we wanted to play phrenologist we used a tape measure!—but I guess all the kids have craniometers now and anything that gets him out of the house and away from that damn philosophers’ stone is fine by me. Anyway this is a very well-constructed craniometer made of high-quality metal and it seems to fit all the kids’ heads, even that fat one Angus.

Doc’s Moustache Wax
★★★★★ Works Whisker Magic!
By Otto v. B. on 1905

I’m a big fan of the Kaiser, so needless to say I’m also a big fan of handlebar moustaches! I bought this moustache wax because I heard it’s the kind he uses. And let me tell you, it works great and smells great too! I got the small size because I’m not really sure how long handlebar moustaches will be in style, but they say these things are cyclical.