January 7, 2015
InterSys Systems Corp.
10100 Technology Way, Pod 7
Rancho Santa Boca, CA 94035
To Whom It May Concern:
I was pleased to read your advertisement seeking a full-time hype man for your software company. As a goal-oriented team playa, I believe I am well qualified for the position and am prepared to become an immediate contributor to the InterSys Systems Corp. crew.
My track record of hype-man success stretches over 33 years, beginning when I was five and pumped up the neighborhood for my best friend Tommy and his lemonade stand. After implementing tactical hype strategies, lemonade sales increased 347%, even though Tommy wasn’t using any sugar.
I also work well under pressure and thrive in a fast-paced environment. For example, I was recently employed by Tracy Jenson’s parents to hype her talent show performance of Für Elise. My responsibilities included but were not limited to: encouraging the pre-teen audience to get turnt; shouting intermittent lines during the performance such as “You know dat’s right!” and “Kaboom!”; and doing the Running Man behind the piano while wearing a whimsical Cat in the Hat headpiece. Applause increased 727% from last year’s talent show, when Tracy was booed after reciting portions of The Vagina Monologues.
I have consistently demonstrated a capacity to positively affect perceptions in a wide variety of environments and am adept at working both independently and as part of a posse. In all cases I have shown an ability to obtain measurable results and help clients achieve their objectives:
- Daniel Finkwelter, Certified Public Accountant. Responsibilities included but were not limited to: hyping Mr. Finkwelter’s superior auditing game; accompanying Mr. Finkwelter to the cafeteria and insulting his colleagues’ lunches; and enhancing Mr. Finkwelter’s PowerPoint slides with photographs of diamonds and Buggattis, and Kate Upton gifs. After several weeks of my services Mr. Finkwelter was promoted to a higher-ranking position in his firm, at another office across town.
- The Dunwoody Adult Center Chess Club. Increased chess meet attendance by 523%; increased sales of chess club fedoras by 413%; and increased the number of chess-club-member sexual experiences by approximately 12,000% according to self-reported data. In addition, deployed sophisticated opponent-dissin’ procedures that led directly to seventeen forfeited matches and five grown men sobbing.
- Satan. Co-hyped with Mephistopheles Satan’s “Speak of the Devil” comeback tour. Responsibilities included but were not limited to spraying crowds with Beelzebubbly and adding select hype-man interjections to songs such as “Fallen Not Forgotten,” “High as Hell,” “Sinners Delight,” “Hot in Herre (Eighth Circle Remix),” and “2 Illicit 2 Quit.” Also provided integral support to Satan during his frequent scripture battles with angels.
I was interested to learn from your website that InterSys Systems Corp. is known for strongly valuing “responsibility,” “integrity,” and “commitment.” These three virtues, along with carelessly waving one’s hands in the air, are also the virtues I value most and at which I particularly excel. In addition, I noticed that your company’s mission statement—“Sell Software”—offers substantial catchphrase opportunities.
In closing, I am confident that my long history of superior hype-man performance, dedication to client service, comprehensive awareness of the latest developments in the hype-man industry, excellent verbal and physical communication skillz, and proficiency with Word and Excel make me the ideal candidate for this position. I look forward to speaking with you about the ways I can further the objectives of InterSys Systems Corp.
Rico Rowdy (aka Razzmatazz)